Chances are you've watched an episode I filmed of the My Strange Addiction parody mini-series where I soapbox about smelling peoples' shoes for entertainment. Ever since I started filming those videos I've received questions and inquiries from people wondering if it was for real or just a joke. I've also received heartfelt messages from people who relate to me and applaud how open I am about the unusual subject.
I pride myself on being honest with my fans so I decided to participate in a shoe-smelling Q&A for all the curious minds out there to read and learn from. Here's me answering all those questions I've received over the years about my renowned habit!
Q: Is this for real?
A: Yes. I have a strange habit of smelling peoples' shoes due to a curiosity of what they smell like in the hopes that they smell bad so I can get a kick out of it.
Q: Why do you enjoy smelling shoes?
A: It's a habit that was imprinted on me during my childhood. When I was a kid I found it amusing that your shoes and feet would smell bad if you wore your shoes for too long, forgot to change your socks, or didn't shower or wash your feet. I would smell my friends' shoes and make fun of them if they smelled bad and as a result my brain was permanently taught that smelling this foul odor was a good thing. As an adult it's now a reward trigger for me to smell stinky shoes and feet even though I still perceive it as a gross odor.
Q: So you think stinky shoes/feet is a good smell?
A: No, I still wretch from the smell and crinkle my nose about it like everyone else because my brain perceives it to be foul. But at the same time my brain releases a rewarding chemical that feels good for smelling it due to my childhood habit imprinting it.
Q: Do you like to smell guys and girls' shoes or just one?
A: Both actually since it's basically the same smell. I've always had more male friends so it's mostly been guys I entertain it with, but there have been girls too.
Q: Do you collect peoples' old shoes like in the videos?
A: No, I only asked my friends if they had any shoes I could borrow to use for the videos and after they were filmed I either gave them back or threw them away/donated them if they no longer needed them. I told them I was going to be filming a video for my channel and they were all happy to help out and be a part of it and enjoyed the videos after I uploaded them.
Q: Do you have a "thing" for shoes?
A: No I don't. The only reason shoes make recurring appearances in these videos is because they're the most common thing that would have this smell. I also created this series as a parody of the "sneakerheads" who are obsessed with buying and collecting clean and new shoes, and in a funny twist I made mine about smelly old shoes instead. The same smell is produced from wearing gloves on your hands for too long and I enjoy it in the same manner, but that doesn't mean I have a thing for hands or gloves. It's just a smell I like, not a fascination with objects.
Q: By extension, does this mean you're into feet?
A: No it doesn't. Feet are just a body part to me just as shoes are just an article of clothing. Smelly feet are cool in my book though! If shoes, socks, or feet don't smell bad, then they're boring to me. Again it's not a fascination with any article of clothing or body part, it's an enjoyment of a foul smell that happens to commonly be found on those articles of clothing and body parts as a result of childhood imprinting.
A: Yes I know I am. I accept and embrace that about myself and I actually consider that to be a term of endearment because it means I'm open and honest enough about who I am for other people to know it and pass judgment. While the majority of people have applauded me for being myself, I also know that the few people who seem to negatively judge me are likely doing it in defense of themselves because they haven't accepted something strange about their own identity and are projecting those negative feelings onto me. I was once in their shoes so I don't take it personally.
Q: Is it a gay thing?
A: No, it's a psychology thing. I'm actually asexual and not really much for romance.
Q: Do you like to smell new shoes?
A: Not at all. The new shoe smell is actually offensive to me since I don't like most artificial fragrances. Even though society's standards state that you should keep your shoes and feet clean, I personally find it lame and boring if someone's shoes don't smell.
Q: I want to smell your shoes. Can I?
A: In my world this is considered a compliment!
Q: Will you sell/send me any of your shoes?
A: Haha no I don't do that online. If someone I knew in person was interested in buying my shoes then that would be a different story but I have no plans of physically mailing anything to anyone.
Q: Do your shoes and feet smell?
A: Yeah they stink pretty bad lol. As a teenager I wanted to be cool like the other kids I admired who had smelly shoes and feet so I started wearing the same pair of socks for days on end before changing them. I never grew out of this habit so to this day I still wear the same pair of socks for a week before changing them. I also stopped washing my body with soap (aside from my hands) due to my natural outlook on life and refusal to use unnatural hygiene products, so my feet don't ever get washed either. No, I don't have athlete's foot or fungus or anything from this, either. My body adapted and is conditioned to living this way comfortably.
Q: Do you enjoy smelling your own shoes?
A: No, just other people's. I don't mind if other people smell mine though because it's always amusing to see their reaction to it.
Q: Do you smell the shoes of your family members?
A: No. When I say "relativity," I mean friends that I've made some sort of connection with, not actual relatives of mine.
Q: Do you like any other gross smells?
A: Yes, my brain does reward me for coming into contact with certain other foul smells too. Other body odors like stinky armpits or hats that were worn over unwashed hair for a while produce the same effect. Certain roadkill is another. Yes, when I'm driving with my windows down and I catch a whiff of a dead animal decomposing on the side of the road, I wretch from that awful smell but also sometimes get that rewarding chemical released from my brain that feels good. I keep driving though!
Q: Do these smells turn you on?
A: In romantic circumstances they would. They make me feel good, so if someone was trying to be romantic and was making my head tingle by entertaining that with me in the process then yes it would be exciting for me, just like a regular massage would simply feel good but a romantic massage would be more arousing, but I'm asexual and not really much for romance. If my friend was just letting me smell their shoes because they know they smell bad to be nice or just for a laugh then it would just be funny and appreciated by me.
Q: The stinkier the better?
A: To an extent, yes, but not to the point of overkill. I've received comments from people who say they wear the same pair of socks for a month but after too long it gets too foul to trigger that feel-good response in my brain and it gets replaced by the reflex to puke. I also wouldn't like it if someone ran around barefoot in dirt or something before putting their shoes on because their shoes would smell like dirt instead of the familiar smell of bacteria breaking down sweat in a warm, closed space that my hard-wired brain is accustomed to.
Q: Did you know feet have pheromones?
A: That's actually not true. I've had a few people comment this and try to tell me the smell is meant to be an aphrodisiac but after I researched it online I found it to be incorrect. Pheromones in humans are only produced under your arms and in your groin region so there aren't any on your feet.
Q: What do your shoes smell like?
A: I'm not able to answer that because I don't think it smells like anything comparable. I often hear people say feet smell like cheese or vinegar or some other food but I have never found this to make sense. Cheese and vinegar have their own smell and stinky feet have their own smell and they are not the same or really comparable in my opinion so I'm not able to describe the way my shoes or feet smell. Sorry!
Q: Would you smell anyone's shoes?
A: Not just anyone's. When I was a kid I would only smell the shoes of people that I liked or felt a connection to in some way -- my friends, my classmates etc. Because of this, that relativity is included in the permanent hard-wiring of my brain when it comes to this habit. So if I like a person and feel a connection to them and want to be their friend, then I will also want to smell their shoes to see what they smell like and hope they smell bad so my brain can relive those childhood moments of joy and release that feel-good chemical. If it's not a person who fits this category, then I won't be interested in smelling their shoes regardless of how they smell. That's just the way it is.
Q: Do you only like people who have stinky shoes?
A: No, that's not the case. That's just a plus that makes the person cooler to me! In my personal utopia, everyone I like who's friend material to me would have smelly feet and armpits all the time like me lol. Friends understand each other and make each other feel good in special ways, and your brain doesn't run out of rewarding chemicals. There's also the fact that we only live once and I like to try to live life to the fullest in the body I was assigned to with the brain I have to live with. If my brain happens to find certain foul odors to be rewarding then I'm going to entertain it whenever it's appropriate since it feels good and it's harmless.
Q: Out of all the friends you've filmed with, who had the smelliest shoes/feet?
A: Staggz. I swear that guy hardly showered or changed his clothes but you know I found that to be cool! Whenever he'd come by his hair would always be matted from not showering and the bottom of the white socks he'd wear over would be brown lol. We filmed a few video commissions together where he acted like a bully who forced me to smell his shoes and feet for a while and they were the most pungent out of everyone I've filmed with so far. Don't get me wrong -- there have been many friends who had foul-smelling feet on my channel, but if I had to pick one who had the stinkiest, I would give Staggz my vote. Since Staggz isn't around anymore, my vote now goes to K2.
Okay, I think I answered them all! If you had a question for me that's not included in this blog, feel free to leave me a comment on any of the shoe-smelling videos on my channel or use the Fan Mail feature near the bottom of the main page of this official website and I'll be happy to answer it for you. Remember to stay true to yourselves!
Thanks for watching, reading, and supporting me for who I individually am, and stay tuned for more quirky content coming soon!
- Primal 💚
Hey everyone. This is going to be a difficult topic for me, but enough time has passed that I now feel comfortable sharing it. I'm not ready to talk about it in a video because it still hurts me to this day, so instead I'm going to write it here for everyone who has been asking and wondering.
If you've been a fan of mine for a while, you already know who T-Wrex is. If you're a newcomer, T-Wrex was a founding friend of my channel who is featured in most of the videos from the first upload in 2016 to early 2021. When I created my YouTube channel, I originally named it The No Deo Duo in honor of my new friendship with T-Wrex, and he was my number two who made up the "Duo" along with me. I came up with a lot of fun video ideas for us to film together, and he helped make them entertaining and build a cult following of loyal fans with his participation.
During the time I created the channel, I was renting a room at T-Wrex's house. He had approached me at a job we used to work at together because he was looking for a roommate to help pay the bills, and I happened to be looking for a friend to live with at the time, so I accepted his offer and moved into the house he had just leased with his then-girlfriend, who he since married.
I eventually moved out of T-Wrex's house after a few years and leased my own home, but he and I continued to remain best friends who hung out every week and continued filming videos together. One day in March of 2021, however, he stopped responding to my texts, which was very unusual for him. After trying for another week and still not getting a response when I called or texted him, I drove over to his house to make sure he was alright.
When I pulled into T-Wrex's driveway, I saw that both his truck and his wife's car were there. I knocked on his door and saw him look through the curtain on the door and see me, and I felt relieved knowing that nothing bad had happened to him. For a while, I stood there waiting for him to open the door. Finally, T-Wrex held the door open, and the look on his face startled me. He looked very disturbed about something, as if he were in a dark mood or preparing for a conversation he didn't want to have to have.
I asked T-Wrex how he was doing and told him I was worried about him because I hadn't heard back from him in a while. T-Wrex bluntly replied that the reason for this was because he had blocked my number, and had in fact done so immediately after leaving my house the last time he was there. Taken back, I asked him why he would do that, and he replied with "you wouldn't understand." He then told me he was ready to start the next chapter of his life and that I wasn't going to be a part of it, then he told me to "just go home." He had been saying he wanted to try to have kids with his wife soon, and I understood this to be the meaning of his next chapter. He momentarily lost his voice while he was saying all of this to me, and I could tell he was pained by what he was saying.
I noticed his husky Neeko kept trying to get past him to greet me outside, and T-Wrex kept having to use his foot to push the dog back into the house. I asked him if he would step outside to talk with me instead, but he said "we can talk right here." It was at this point that I heard movement from behind him inside the house, and I realized his wife was standing out of eyesight but in hearing range, and it suddenly made sense to me why T-Wrex had chosen to talk to me from inside his house with the door held open in this strange manner: he was making sure his wife heard the conversation he was having with me, and they had likely discussed this during the prolonged time it took for him to open the door.
I again tried to ask T-Wrex to explain to me why our best friendship of seven years was suddenly and unexpectedly ending like this with no prior warning, but he just kept telling me to go home and said I only cared about myself. I told him his decision to do this was hurtful to me, and he callously replied with "I don't care" and then closed the door on me. I turned around and drove home in confusion and tried to rationalize what had just happened.
After the initial shock had worn off, I was able to piece everything together. The last time T-Wrex came over, there was no indication whatsoever that anything was wrong. He never once tried to talk to me about any issue between us or acted unhappy around me for any reason. However, the fact that he told me he had blocked my number as soon as he left my house that night with no plans of returning told me that he had planned that out in advance. In retrospect, I realized there had been one unusual instance that stood out about his final visit.
Every time T-Wrex came by, he would always ask if there were any commissions or channel videos we needed to film in order to make sure we got them completed. He didn't ask that this time, but I let him know he had one commission to film that had just come in. He hesitated when I told him this, which was unusual, but I didn't think anything of it at the time. He ended up filming the commission, and he drank all the beer in my refrigerator and stayed at my house that night longer than he usually stayed.
The last day T-Wrex stopped by, it was the first week of March. I always gave him his share of the channel's earnings at the beginning of each month, and he received his share of February's earnings when he came by that day. I realized in hindsight the reason he hesitated before filming that final commission was because he had already planned it out in his head that he wasn't coming by anymore after this, which means he wouldn't receive a share of the earnings from the video the following month. He had planned his final day with me to be a day he collected a month's share of the channel's earnings, then unbeknownst to me and without warning, blocked my number after I hugged him goodbye and never planned on speaking to me again.
I also thought back about how he was holding the door open when I went to check on him to make sure his wife heard him telling me I wasn't going to be in his life anymore. His wife had never liked me ever since he and I became close friends. Initially, one of her friends was supposed to rent the spare room at their house once they leased it, but when that plan didn't go through, he invited me to live there instead. Presumably, she had hoped that I would just pay my rent and keep to myself, but I'm far too social of a person to do that. Instead, T-Wrex and I got to know each other and became instant best friends, and I created The No Deo Duo in honor of this amazing friendship.
From a neutral standpoint, I can understand that his wife would want to spend time with him while they're home together, seeing as they're a couple of many years and I'm a new friend. However, he was sure to always spend plenty of private time with her, even when I was home, and I was sure to never interrupt it. I respected their relationship and time together. However, whenever T-Wrex would try to play video games or have a backyard fire with me and his wife refused to take part in any of it solely because I was there, she would repeatedly text him from their bedroom and try to pull him away from hanging out with me.
The three of us started off well: a happy new home who was going out to eat every week, playing card games together, and laughing and telling jokes. I voluntarily paid the bills for all three of us whenever we'd go out to eat because I was so happy and thankful to be a member of this household. Unfortunately, this didn't last long because his wife grew jealous of the close friendship we had. She also wasn't a fan of the YouTube channel we had, and she didn't like the fact that we were getting paid to film video commissions together. She began referring to me as T-Wrex's "boyfriend" whenever she mentioned me to him, and she also began to withdraw from participating in anything we did together. T-Wrex tried to play it off as a joke and make excuses for her behavior, but it was clear how she was feeling and acting.
Whenever T-Wrex would try to get the three of us together for any reason after this, his wife would refuse to participate and go to their bedroom instead and close the door. I gradually felt hurt by this because it was obvious she was doing this to avoid being around me, and she was also trying to get T-Wrex to feel bad for her so he would abandon me and hang out with her in their bedroom instead, knowing I wouldn't go in there because I respected their space and relationship. She would lie and say she was "just tired" if he questioned her behavior, and T-Wrex didn't want a confrontation with her so he told me to try to just not let it bother me.
I ignored this rude treatment for a while, but gradually the passive-aggressive abuse from his wife got worse. It reached a point where anytime I would come home or walk into a room that they were both in (aside from their bedroom), his wife would scowl and walk out of the room and barricade herself in their bedroom. She refused to even eat dinner at the table with us anymore, instead texting T-Wrex from their bedroom and asking him to bring her a plate. In the rare instances we were all around each other anymore, she was very quiet and visibly upset. After this behavior began to really bother me, I again tried to talk to T-Wrex about it, but he refused to put his foot down because the person who was acting this way was his wife. It became clear to me she was also trying to manipulate him into believing I was a bad person, and he told me how she'd ask him things like "is he going to live here forever or what?" in an obvious attempt to get him to tell me to move out so they could live together without me being there. He again tried to play this off as a joke in an effort to avoid handling the situation, but it was a serious matter.
In one example of this manipulation, I had always been nice to her friends whenever they would visit. I had exchanged numbers with one of her friends, played cards and joked with another friend, and even complimented one of her friends on her tattoo. Whenever my friends would visit though, she always hid in her room from them and acted standoffish around them, and once when she came out of her room to get a drink and one of them tried to say hello and introduce himself to her, she looked annoyed and completely ignored him, which visibly hurt my friend's feelings. Despite this, she had manipulated T-Wrex into believing I was mean to her friends whenever they would visit, even though he had been present when I had been friendly with her friends and when she had been rude to my friends. This was an unsettling insight for me of how much control she had over him, and I felt that she was succeeding in beginning to turn him against me.
Despite how much I loved living with T-Wrex, after years of enduring this terrible and unwarranted treatment from his wife simply because T-Wrex and I were such close friends, I eventually felt unwelcome at the home I had been so happy at before, so I moved out. The decision for me to leave hurt both T-Wrex and me a lot. I rented an apartment for six months before I found a house, and the first two nights I slept at the apartment, I cried in bed at night before I fell asleep. I felt relieved to be away from his wife's abusive behavior, but the reality set in that a wonderful chapter of my life that I didn't ever want to end had in fact ended. I had successfully been pushed out of T-Wrex's house, the house that he himself had invited me into and didn't want me to leave, by his wife's behavior that he hadn't been able to put a stop to after I went to him about it for help. She had gotten her selfish way, and I doubt she cared that T-Wrex and I had been hurt about the situation because all she cared about was herself.
T-Wrex and I remained good friends despite this incident putting a damper on our friendship, and it was clear to me that he was sad about what happened as well. He stopped working out as much, he was drinking a lot, and he gained 30 pounds. He also got a dog to try to help fill the void left after I moved out. I never understood why his wife had seen me as such a threat to their relationship, seeing as he and I were just really close friends. We had a bromance for sure, but we weren't making out or going down on each other when she wasn't home. I assume it was insecurity that drove her to divide the house we lived in and try to turn T-Wrex against me the way she did for years on end until she finally got her way. As they say, a house divided cannot stand, and while T-Wrex and I were always about unity, in the end the division won.
At the end of February 2021, I got LASIK eye surgery because I was tired of wearing contacts lenses and glasses. In order to do this, you needed someone to give you a ride there and back because your eyes will be healing for a while and you'd be unable to drive yourself. Naturally, the first person in mind I could call on for help was my best friend T-Wrex. He and I had always been there for each other the years we hung out, and we had helped each other out plenty of times whenever it was needed. He agreed to take me, and I let him know of the surgery date that the LASIK center had provided me, and I was sure to schedule it out two weeks so he and I could have proper time to make sure our jobs gave us the day off and we would have no other obligations that might interfere.
A few days before the surgery, T-Wrex texted me and asked me if I could reschedule the date for it because he forgot he had plans with his wife that day. I told him it wasn't possible to reschedule because I had already scheduled it two weeks out after receiving the preparatory eye drops they gave me at the center. They ask that you schedule your surgery no more than two weeks after these drops are administered to ensure they don't lose their effect when you arrive. Since it was now last minute, I was about to look into calling an Uber driver, but T-Wrex texted me back and said "don't worry I got you." I thanked him and was relieved I still had my best friend taking me to this surgery instead of a stranger.
When he picked me up the day of the surgery, I again thanked him for taking me even though he had forgotten his plans with his wife. I always knew T-Wrex to be loyal to his family, and he had told me before that I was basically family to him and that we were lifelong friends, and I was very honored when he told me this. I very much appreciated him for what he was doing for me that day and I made sure he knew it. He then told me that today, the day of my surgery, was actually his wife's birthday, and he had forgotten this when he had agreed to take me. I didn't know it was wife's birthday, and it was a mere coincidence that the LASIK center had selected this day as the two-week-out day of surgery. They only performed surgeries at the center a few days each week, and it just happened to be the same day of her birthday. My immediate thought was that she was likely very angry at him and harboring hatred toward me because of this, but I kept this thought to myself.
After my surgery, T-Wrex took me back home, but he didn't immediately leave to spend time with his wife for her birthday as he had told me he was going to do on the way to the LASIK center. Instead, he hung out with me in my bedroom for about an hour and made me feel better about the searing pain I was experiencing in my eyes. I could hardly keep them open, but T-Wrex's act of kindness made the pain more bearable and less noticeable. I again thanked him, and eventually he left to spend what was left of the day with his wife for her birthday.
A few days after this, T-Wrex came over to my house on March 2nd for what would be the final time. In hindsight, it became clear to me that his wife had in fact gotten very upset that he had been with me instead of her on her birthday that day. She very well may have given him an ultimatum at that point that he can either have a family with her or continue hanging out and filming videos with me. He had always made it clear ever since I lived with him that he would always side with his wife no matter what when it came to anyone else. It's unfortunate that he was even forced into making such a decision, but it seemed inevitable and to always be looming over our friendship ever since she became hostile toward me.
I do know that he was manipulated into believing I was a bad person for making him miss most of his wife's birthday, even though it was him who had forgotten her birthday and he had still elected to take me for my LASIK treatment. I didn't even know it was her birthday until we were already on our way to the surgery center, as that was the first time he had mentioned that fact. He told people we know I had "expected" him to take me to this surgery despite him mentioning he had plans with his wife, when I in fact had simply asked him first before anyone else because he was my best friend and the two of us had always helped each other out and had each others backs. He was led to believe that I "only care about myself" based off this decision, and that the only thing he could do to prevent any other upsets in his marriage was to cut me out of his life since his wife didn't like me and was constantly putting him in the middle of the two of us.
All of our mutual friends, co-workers, and family members knew how close of friends we were. We were just as close off camera as we were on camera. What made matters even worse than they already were was what T-Wrex did immediately after he made the decision to block my number and turn his back on me. Before I even became aware of him dropping me as a friend, I learned that T-Wrex had gone around to our mutual friends he still spoke to and gaslighted them all about what had happened. I'm sure he realized that everyone would be dumbfounded to hear that we weren't friends anymore and that it was his decision to suddenly end our friendship, and he made sure to talk to them before I had a chance to.
T-Wrex told Lord Rubix, Coltrain, and Sloth that I "expected" him to take me to this surgery and wouldn't take no from him as an answer even though he had told me he already had plans with his wife that he had at first forgotten. He made it seem like I had no regard for him, his wife, and their relationship that he cared so much about, despite me proving otherwise while I lived with the two of them. He went on to say he had done some "self-meditating" after taking me to my eye surgery and apparently realized that I was only friends with him because I expect things from him, and I therefore was not actually a friend all along but a "fiend," despite seven years of obviously being mutual best friends that everyone around us as well as thousand of internet fans could plainly see. Because he planted this seed in their minds before I had a chance to speak to them about the shock of his sudden and unexpected decision to callously cut me off as a friend, Lord Rubix and Coltrain had been influenced by him and were angry at me as a result, so when I reached out to them as friends for comfort in the painful situation, their responses to me were not warm. I didn't reach out to Sloth because he fell out of touch ever since he became a father to two children after accidentally getting his girlfriend pregnant twice, but I ran into him in public down the road and he mentioned he had heard T-Wrex and I weren't speaking anymore, though he didn't believe T-Wrex was being truthful.
Lord Rubix's visits had already begun becoming few and far between because he had met a girl on a dating app that he fell in love with and was starting to spend all his free time with in place of friends. He had mentioned that T-Wrex and me were actually the only friends he had been hanging out with lately and that he was in the process of looking for a house for his girlfriend and him to move into. Rubix began failing to respond to our texts, and he would even get angry and complain about us trying to reach out to him to come over and film videos with us, despite me making him a full time member of the channel at his request.
T-Wrex had not been happy about that decision because he didn't feel Lord Rubix was reliable enough to be considered a full-time member, and by giving Rubix a third of the channel's earnings, T-Wrex was now getting less of a cut because it was being split three ways instead of two. T-Wrex had been coming over every week faithfully to keep the show going, but Rubix was now blowing us and our fans off for his new girlfriend and still getting the same cut for it, and in the end T-Wrex got more upset at Rubix's lack of responses and appearances than me.
When T-Wrex told Lord Rubix he wasn't going to be talking to me anymore, Rubix made the decision to also drop out from filming videos any further and to spend all his free time with his girlfriend. It was clear to me that he had been manipulated by T-Wrex's hearsay he filled his head with because of comments he made to me. Like his wife had divided the two of us, T-Wrex had divided Lord Rubix between himself and me, and Rubix was blindly taking his side on the matter. I tried to open Rubix's eyes to the facts and explain to him that there shouldn't be any "sides," but he was too exhausted from the drama on top of the stress of working his job and trying to find a home with his girlfriend that he didn't want to discuss it over text or come by to talk to me about it in person after I invited him.
I tried to tell Lord Rubix I didn't want to lose him as a friend because of T-Wrex's hurtful decision, but Rubix began ignoring my attempts to keep in touch with him and made it clear he wasn't trying to hang out with any friends right now because he was getting serious with his girlfriend. In fact, I originally had to drive to Rubix's job just to talk to him in the parking lot in person because after T-Wrex told me he had blocked my number, I suddenly wasn't getting any response from Lord Rubix either. Though I didn't use social media, I noticed Rubix had set all of his social media accounts to private, which is something he had never done before. He was surprised to see me that day in person when I drove to his work, and it seemed to me that he had intended to just cut me off like T-Wrex had attempted to do before I had driven to his house. Caught off guard, Rubix told me he hadn't blocked my number and claimed he had only been ignoring me because he didn't want to add fuel to the fire of T-Wrex's decision by also dropping out from filming videos anymore. He told me he had been thinking about dropping out for a while because the stress of it was too much for him to bear on top of everything else in his life, and that T-Wrex turning his back on our fans and me had been his final push to do the same.
Seeing as Lord Rubix wasn't making time for friends, expressed no interest in returning to the channel at any point, and was saying rude things to me in my attempts to reach out to him for help about the hurt I was experiencing from T-Wrex's decision, I decided I didn't need to try to reach out to him anymore. Had he really been a good friend, he would have sympathized with me over what happened instead of blindly believing heresy and passing judgment on me based off of it. When I moved out of T-Wrex's house, he, along with Sloth, Toast, and other mutual friends of ours, had all completely understood why. They had seen for themselves the way his wife treated his friends and the control she had over him, but all of us still remained his friend because we loved him and respected his decision of being in that relationship regardless because he said it made him happy. That's what true friends do: they stand by each other and don't try to control each others lives or tell each other who they can and can't be around.
Coltrain, who wasn't as close to me as he was with T-Wrex, had sent me angry texts where he cussed at me and sent me a middle finger emoji after T-Wrex gaslighted him about what had happened. Coltrain was upset I filmed the vlog announcing T-Wrex and Lord Rubix's departure from the channel, despite me pouring my heart out in the video and trying to make it as positive as I could, even though it was the hardest video I've ever had to film for my channel. This cost Coltrain his friendship with me, and I was sure to explain to him the error of his decision in my final texts to him. I had already distanced myself from Coltrain a bit due to him coming over while I still lived at T-Wrex's house, getting drunk and high, and aggressively questioning my sexuality while simultaneously asking T-Wrex and I if he could perform oral sex on us along with making crazy statements like "I'm going to get really high one day, kill as many people as I can, and then kill myself."
Looking back on it as a whole, it's crazy to think of how much damage and division this caused. I mentioned in a vlog that T-Wrex has struggled with mental health issues his entire life which he told me about in detail, but I will not be talking about them here because I don't feel it's appropriate. However, I do know that when his wife forced him to be in the middle between him and I, it impacted him mentally. It was very unfair of him to even have to be in that situation, and I don't support any relationship that is unhealthy, toxic, or controlling. I live by a philosophy that I will never put the key to my happiness in another person's pocket, and it was painful for me to see what I saw while I lived in that house with him. T-Wrex lost a lifelong friend because of petty jealousy and selfishness getting its way, because he didn't have it in him to put his foot down and put a stop to it. After our friendship was severed, he went out of his way to assassinate my character and sabotage my friendship with several of our mutual friends, and I don't anticipate us ever speaking to each other again.
It still shocks me to know that seven years of being best friends who love and care about each other so much can suddenly and unexpectedly end the way that it did. There's no reason that he couldn't be both a husband to his wife and a friend to me, and though I don't think he really had a choice in the matter, he still made the decision to do what he did, and I hold him accountable for that.
I'm going to close this blog by stating my intentions of sharing this was not to say negative things about T-Wrex, but to explain to everyone the truth about why he left and why we can't be friends anymore. Had T-Wrex told me he wouldn't be able to film videos with me any further but wanted to remain in touch, I would have accepted that, but I don't believe this was an option for him. I don't want anyone writing any negative comments about him or his wife after reading this, nor do I want the great memories we created together on camera to be tarnished. The love and joy we shared in the videos we filmed together was genuine, and the photos and videos will continue to exist as a reminder of those wonderful times before they abruptly came to an end. Though I expressed how cool it would be if we continued filming videos together into old age, we knew our time together was fleeting because he intended on starting a family with his wife someday.
I just wasn't prepared for how suddenly and badly it would end.