Hey again everyone! Primal here, and I want to honestly answer a question I sometimes get from my fans whenever I discuss my identity.
Out of curiosity or in an effort to relate to me, I've had people ask me if I have any fetishes. The reason they ask is because I'm open that I'm asexual, but I'm also open that I get enjoyment out of imprinted interests from my childhood that followed me into adulthood, so these fans want to know if these are sexual fetishes or not, or if I have any type of sexual interest at all.
Just to recap, when I was really young, I was a curious boy who was fascinated with my body's limits and would often conduct tests on myself to see what the result would be. For example, one day I wore as many clothes as I could and covered myself with as many blankets as I could find around my parents' house to see how hot I could get my body's temperature to rise. Another time I tried holding my pee as long as I could to the point where I was crossing my legs and hopping around a family member's house until they ordered me to use the bathroom. Once I went a full 24 hours without eating anything just to see if I could do it and what it would be like. And another time, I chose a pair of socks and wore them every time I played basketball in the sun after school every day for a full month to see how bad the smell would progress.
In other words, I was a weird kid who grew up to stay weird and be proud and unashamed of it. The most fascinating test I administered though was how long I could go without oxygen. Even as a kid, we all know how vital oxygen is to our survival and that most people can't stand going more than a minute without breathing, so I would always practice holding my breath to try to last as long as I could. Because this was my favorite test and since I did it at such a young age while my brain was in a learning phase, it hardwired into it and it became a permanent reward trigger for me to hold my breath.
When I say reward trigger, I mean whenever I hold my breath for a prolonged period of time, it causes a pleasurable feeling in my head at the same time it's causing that unpleasant burning of carbon dioxide building up in my lungs. The longer I comfortably hold it for, the more pleasurable it feels, because my brain ironically rewards the act by releasing chemicals that feel good. This is a result of me unknowingly writing this into my brain as a "good thing" when I was really young, and this is how imprinting in humans works. This is also why I get enjoyment out of smelling stinky feet, armpits, shoes, and even certain roadkill I drive past, because I taught my brain at an early age that these bad smells were enjoyable to experience on account of how amusing it was to endure them.
Allow me to clarify something for you! I still perceive body odor and dead animals to be a bad smell that I wrinkle my nose at like any regular person would, but at the same time that I'm gagging about it, my brain is rewarding me for smelling the foul odors by releasing those pleasurable chemicals. While I do think that the way people naturally smell (pheromones of the armpits) is a good smell (which is a main reason I don't use deodorant, because I find it unnatural), I perceive the scent of bacteria breaking down sweat (body odor) to be a gross smell, but smelling it makes me feel good at the same time it's grossing me out. Does that make more sense?
As a kid, I always found it funny how forgetting to shower, use deodorant, or change your socks would make you smell bad. Remember the test I mentioned where I wore the same pair of socks on and off for a month when I was a teenager? That always fascinated me, and I developed a curiosity of how my friends and classmates' shoes and feet smelled as a result. I didn't just go around smelling everyone's feet though because it's not an uncontrollable habit, but whenever the opportunity presented itself in an acceptable manner, I entertained it by smelling my friends' shoes, sometimes when they weren't looking, in the hopes they smelled bad; or even by smelling their feet, including while they slept over at my parents' house. Because it was only entertaining if they stunk, my brain was taught that experiencing body odor is a rewarding thing, even if it still perceives it to be foul, and just like with holding my breath, smelling stinky feet and armpits causes that pleasurable feeling in my head.
What was that about roadkill, you might be wondering? When I used to ride around with my mom in her car when I was really young, sometimes we would pass an animal that had been hit by a vehicle and the smell would get inside the car. My mom would always react with disgust and express how bad the smell was, and as a kid this caused me to laugh. I think what happened is that my brain took that and placed it in the same category as other foul body smells and decided that it too must be a good thing to experience that it should reward me for smelling, even if it's the disgusting odor of a decaying animal on the side of the road. And no, I don't stop my car and smell dead animals on the road or take them home with me, but I do go out of my way to smell the air whenever I pass one in the hopes it's the type of rewarding odor my brain enjoys.
Now we'll get back to the original question about kinks and fetishes. These also imprint on people at a young age, and people grow to get sexual enjoyment out of whatever imprinted on them. The difference between the two is that a kink isn't needed for sexual satisfaction (it just makes it better), whereas a fetish is required for sexual enjoyment to be had. As an asexual person, I do not get sexual enjoyment out of holding my breath or smelling body odor, but I do experience arousal if the pleasure felt from entertaining these interests is strong enough. Meaning, the longer I hold my breath, the more the pleasurable feeling goes on for, or the stronger the body odor is, the more feel-good chemicals get released, and if I experience a pleasure overload from it, it does cause me to get an erection. I personally refer to this as a "pleasure boner" and I don't see it as sexual, and it's off-putting if people try to approach it in an erotic manner.
An asexual person getting an erection? Yes, it's certainly going to sound confusing to anyone who isn't the same way as me, and when I say "asexual," I mean that I've never been into intercourse, though I do still enjoy getting off because it feels good. The reason the erection happens is simply because of the pleasurable feeling causing it. Here's an explanation: I used to smoke weed when I was younger, and as we know, THC binds to receptors of your brain that causes it to continuously release those feel-good chemicals. Whenever I got stoned and it was a really good high that caused this pleasurable feeling to be strong, it would give me an erection. Is it because I had a marijuana fetish? No, not at all. It's simply a natural reaction of my body to extreme pleasure that isn't sexual at all. Holding my breath and smelling body odor simply gives me an elevated dose of pleasure.
The same could be said for people who really enjoy ASMR content. ASMR gives you that feel-good tingle in your head, and if it's extreme enough, it can cause arousal which can be confusing to people. Does this mean you have an ASMR fetish? Not necessarily, it just means that ASMR content taps into a pleasure zone of your brain that could in turn cause your body to react by giving you an erection or causing you to feel arousal. It's simply a reaction of your body and it doesn't always dictate sexual enjoyment.
I compare the arousal I experience from entertaining these imprinted interests to the arousal I experienced from smoking weed back in the day. This didn't happen every time I smoked of course, but during the times when the pleasure was really tingling in my head, it would happen. The same goes with holding my breath or smelling body odor: if the breath-holding is prolonged, or the smell is strong enough and I smell it for long enough, it will happen. Not because I have a sexual fetish for shoes or feet or being asphyxiated, but because my body is reacting to the pleasurable feeling coming from my brain. I don't find body odor to be a "good" smell, nor am I trying to harm myself by holding my breath, either.
I know this to be true because I don't enjoy entertaining those two interests in a sexual way. In fact, whenever someone has approached me about doing so under a sexual pretense, it makes me not want to do it because I'm not really into sexual scenarios. I do fantasize about entertaining these interests, but it's because I don't have anything sexual to masturbate over since I'm an asexual person who finds intercourse to be awkward. When I fantasize about it, it's never a sexual fantasy; it's merely me getting to entertain these two interests and feeling good from it. This is why it's comfortable for me to film videos of these activities with friends and have fun with it. My friends know me well enough and understand me, and they're aware that we aren't filming sexual content together by entertaining it, even if some of my fans prefer to view it as so.
I once read somewhere that some psychologists believe that asexual people are the way they are because they had something imprint on them that took place of enjoying sexual relations. They call extreme sexual fetishes "paraphilias" and believe they are responsible for some people being asexual. While this could be true for some people out there, I don't agree that it's true for me. I believe that if those things had never imprinted on me, I still wouldn't be into sex because that's the type of person I was born to be. There are asexual and aromantic people out there who don't have fetishes or anything imprinted on them at all, so how do they explain that? I don't get sexual enjoyment out of them, so they aren't paraphilias for me. While they do technically classify as fetishes since I think about them a lot and they imprinted during my youth, they aren't sexual fetishes to me because I'm asexual.
Not everything that imprints on you as a person will even have such a pleasurable effect. When I was in elementary school, I was quiet and anti-social as a result of my parents divorcing because it had a heavy effect on me, and it would continue to impact me until high school when I started smoking weed to combat the social anxiety I was experiencing, which I thankfully grew out of a few years after I graduated. During every recess of elementary school, I spent the entire time swinging on the swingset alone and letting my imagination soar, taking me away from school and the unfair world I was currently living in where I was forced to move to another state and my parents weren't together anymore, one of which had an alcohol problem that profoundly impacted me.
Because I got so much comfort out of it as a kid, these days I still get enjoyment out of swinging on a swingset. If I listen to music while I do it, it intensifies the pleasurable feeling and causes my imagination to soar and my head to tingle. However, I have never experienced an erection from the pleasure of swinging because it only reaches a certain level of feeling good in my head -- meaning, it's not possible to overload the pleasure barrier since I'm just swinging back and forth and can only go so high. It's different compared to holding my breath because I have the ability to do it for longer and longer, which causes excitement to build up as time goes by, or by experiencing a really foul body odor smell since the smell has pungency levels instead of just being the same smell every time.
Now I'll answer the question. Do I have kinks or sexual fetishes? No, I don't, and if I did, I would have no problem admitting it because I'm a very open and honest person. I'm truly asexual in the sense that I don't really get sexual with people or have sexual fantasies. I do experience pleasure in my brain, and if I experience enough of it, it will cause the natural reaction of an erection in me. I masturbate simply because it feels good and it's healthy to do so. I've read plenty of articles and forums online that state that asexual people still masturbate (our testicles still work, it's just that our brains aren't wired to enjoy intercourse, but we still have dopamine in our brains). Because those interests imprinted on me, they are considered fetishes, but I'm just not a sexual person.
I've had guys I've met entertain these interests and see the resulting erection, and they mistakenly believed it was because I had a sexual interest in them. I've also had guys who were sexually attracted to me entertain this and believe they were having a sexual relationship with me, but that's also false. They're merely taking advantage of an imprinted reward trigger from my youth and mistaking the natural reaction of my body as a sexual sign that I'm into them, but that's not possible because I'm asexual. This is why I mention that I'm not into dating or marriage, because I don't have a sexual interest and I only enjoy having friends in life, not relationships. To sum it up: if you're my friend and you hold my breath or let me smell your shoes, you're just being kind to me as a friend and making me feel good, and that's all there is to it -- and if you're the same way as me, there's nothing wrong with it because it's harmless.
I hope I answered this question for you, and in doing so, I also hope I've continued to help people understand their own identities better. I've had many fans reach out to me over the years and tell me how much they relate to me in regards to asexuality, with some even telling me they didn't understand themselves until they heard me talk about it in detail and explain it. This always means a lot to me to hear and is one of the reasons why I take humble pride in having the platform I have and being an influence to people who benefit from it.
Thank you for all the love, understanding, and support, and I'm always honored to relate to other people who watch my show since who I am is so unique. Stay tuned for more videos and blogs from me, and thanks again for being the best audience I could ever have!